Nuts On The Family Tree

My teacher, Ms. Orde, gave me an assignment to interview everyone I could find in my extended family. At first, my parents were excited that I was “showing interest” in our family. But, really, it was just a homework writing assignment, and since I like to write I figured it would be easy. So, I interviewed a few cousins and my uncle.

The problems began when my teacher made it clear that “everybody’ meant everybody. When my uncle mentioned his “Crazy Uncle Charlie,” who may or may not still be alive. Ms Orde wanted me to track him down, that is if I wanted full credit on the paper. Well, since I’d be skipping other assignments, figuring I’d get full credit on this one, she had me. I had to start digging.

That’s when my parents got freaked out. I learned that our family is big, really big. Some people would call it huge. And it’s a collection of people who don’t really like each other all that much. I guess there’s the thing about money, people owing money and not paying it back, but the really interesting stories–and I’ve been collecting them–involve a lot more than that. I have relatives who have been abducted by aliens, been spies, invented a time machine. Or, at least, that what they say. Then there are those who enjoyed being married so much that they just kept doing it, not bothering to divorce the last wife or two. To hear him explain it, explorers, back in the day, were expected to “explore.” 

Anyway, I don’t know how much of this is true, and frankly it doesn’t matter to me. These people aren’t me, and I didn’t do any of this stuff. Really, I’m a pretty normal person. Yeah, I have a pet mole named guacamole and he burns up my entire allowance each week just feeding him earthworms, but let me tell you, that’s nothing compared to some of these stories. And that’s why this blog is called “My Incredible Family,” I’m just saying these are stories. You can believe them or not. 

Before I go I should say that most of these folks are decent and nice, in their own way, that is. None of them every killed anybody, that can be proven or didn’t deserve it, probably. Most often, the stupid things they did just hurt themselves. That’s my take on it, but you probably will have your own opinion. And like Crazy Great Uncle Charlie says, opinions are like tonsils. We’ve all got them, but some are full of puss-pockets and should be surgically removed. 


Katie Flier, family research project